Perfection

My SIL came down this weekend to spend some time with me and teach some of her scrappy goodness, what she didn't realize was she taught me a huge lesson on expectations of ourselves and our children.

She showed me a blog written by a single dad. He wrote about a disease that is sweeping our nation, family and our own hearts. Perfection.

We so often wear masks and put on theatrics to hide what is really underneath. Because we are terrified for peopled to know that we are flawed.

How often have we raved about our wonderful husbands to our friends, and then gone home and cried ourselves to sleep because we feel alone? Or how many times have we cited how our child exceeds every developmental milestone but gone home and panicked because they haven't crawled yet? And how many times do we wedge ourselves into control top panty hose, spanks, fake tans and hair dye because we are so scared of being "flawed"?

After having a baby, my body is not what or where it used to be. Over the past few months I have truly struggled with my self image, self esteem and self worth. I have stretch marks, saggy skin and acne all since having a baby. There have been days in recent months where I have looked at myself in the mirror and thought "Who could possible find you attractive? Who could possible want you?" I used to enjoy going clothes shopping, and now I dread it.

I do desperately want to be perfect. I want other to think that I am a Super-mom with everything together. But I am not, nor will I ever be and truthfully after much soul searching, I don't want to be.

Instead of perfect I want to be real. I am tired of the energy I invest in playing a part. I want to be the type of woman that my daughter aspires to be. I want to set an example to her about what REAL beauty is, what REAL happiness is, what REAL satisfaction is and what REAL joy is.

Do I want my beautiful little girl to look in the mirror and fret over every hair that is our of place, or every **gasp** pimple she gets? Do I want my daughter to believe that she is only valued, accepted and loved because of how "pretty" she is? Do I want her self worth to hang upon other peoples opinions of her? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I want my daughter to know that she is the hand crafted woman of God that He made her to be. I want her to know that she is worth so much more than the size tag on her clothes.

If I want these things for her, I need to want them for myself as well.

When I first became a parent I knew that it wasn't just about me anymore. I knew that my actions, decisions and failures would now affect her life as well. But recently that has gone a bit deeper. The way I view myself, the way I speak about myself and the way I treat myself all model to her what it means to be a woman. If I hate myself I am teaching her to hate herself. The thought of that truly breaks my heart.

So what next? Well I know it's not going to happen over night, but I know that I have some changes to make. I know I need to stop being my own worst enemy, I need to stop beating myself down and I need to stop striving for something that doesn't exist. What I need to do is start accepting that I am a deeply loved child of the MOST HIGH GOD. That God made me EXACTLY as I am for a purpose and HIS glory. I need to start loving myself again stretch marks and all.

I am not quite ready to give up my spanks yet, but I am getting there.