My Battle

Some of you reading this may know that I suffer from depression. To others this will come as a huge surprise. I am normally an energetic, happy and social person, but there is a side to me that i rarely show to anyone. This is the side of me that is usually hidden behind a mask.

I have battled with depression for about seven years now, it comes and it goes. I have been told that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SADs) and when I look back over the pattern of my depression, it seems to make sense.

There are days that I don't even recognize myself. I can't get out of bed, I don't want to talk to anyone and the world feels like it is closing in around me. The past few weeks this has been building up inside of me and I don't even know what to do with myself some days. I carry a lot of guilt because of my depression. I am a Christian, I shouldn't be depressed. That is a lie that has dug me into some very deep holes. I have learned just because I am a Christian, I am not immune to depression, but my faith has helped me to handle it more effectively. But there are times that I just can't seem to "snap out of it" as many people will tell you to do.

Depression makes me feel isolated, worthless and broken. These are all things that I know I am not, but when The Monster that depression is, starts telling me these things, it is hard to not be consumed by it. I try hard to keep pressing on, but days like today, I just want to shut out the world, and be left alone to my misery.

One of the things I do when I am at a low is I push people away. People who want to help but feel helpless when up against My Monster. My husband is one of these. I know that he loves me and it tears him up knowing that I am feeling the way I am, and I wish sometimes I could just turn it off, but I can't. I don't know how to, I wish I did.

I get so angry sometimes, I just want to hit things and destruct something, but at the same time, I have no motivation to do it nor clean up the mess that it would inevitably make. I have a temper, but rarely do I let it out, instead when I get angry I cry. I feel like I spend half my time with red eyes and tissues in hand.

I have been on a lot of different medications for depression, but I have found that they don't help me. I can't feel emotions that are appropriate to feel and I end up walking around like a zombie. One of my biggest problems is lack of sleep. Hence why it is midnight and i am currently writing this. I want to sleep, I am tired and I have a very comfortable bed, but my mind won't calm down long enough for me to fall asleep. I have spent many nights sitting on the couch in the dark or surfing the internet or just wandering my apartment. I average about 3-4 hours of sleep a night and I know that is not helping.

I know my performance at work is suffering because of this, but I am ashamed to talk to anyone at work about it. And I feel guilt about having depression. I work in home health care, and I see people in a lot worse circumstances than I everyday, and here I am with relatively good health, a job and family and feeling like crap.

Right now I am feeling defeated. I have so many things to do, but I can't seem to get motivated to do a single one. I don't have much interest for my hobbies, I feel cold and achy and get headaches almost every day. I also worry a lot. I worry about money, my health, my family, my job, my marriage and many other small things that don't even warrant my mentioning, but they almost paralyze me. For example: We are tight for money right now, but we have food in the cupboards, I worry that if I eat what is there, there won't be anything left and I won't have the money to buy more. It's not necessarily true, but all I can focus on is the negatives. I try to think like "there is food in the cupboard, we will be ok. We could ask for help if needed." But all I can see is the bleakness in my situation.

I was thinking today that if I won the lottery that everything would suddenly be ok, and all my problems would go away. But I know that is not the case, it would just mean that my problems would change.

I think one of the hardest things for me to to ask for help when I feel like this. I have started to, but it takes a lot out of me to ask. I am seeing a councelor currently and it is helping a bit, but I still can't seem to get my motivation back. My Christmas tree is still up and my apartment is a disaster. I am not sure how to ask for help with that without making myself feel like a failure. I am a grown, able bodied adult I should be able to look after my own living space, but instead I have days where I can hardly get dressed.

Once I get on the cycle of depression, it feels almost impossible to break. Right now I am just hoping that is breaks soon before I do.

Every morning I get up, make myself get dressed,put on a mask to go to work. That takes all of the energy that I have to get hrough 6 hours of work. I get home and I am so exhausted I can hardly stand. That is when I either park my butt on the computer or have a nap. It's a vicious cycle and I need it to break. I keep praying, and trusting that this time will pass.

Well now that I have hopefully emptied my brain I might be able to sleep.